I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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