Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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