I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
