You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
