My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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