he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
