I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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