I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
