im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
