Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
