Soap is not a condiment
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
