So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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