and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
