I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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