She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
