I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
