she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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