Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
