i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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