It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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