You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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