Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
