I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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