I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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