So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
