I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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