My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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