There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
