you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
