woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
