I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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