Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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