In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
sarcasm needs its own font
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
