now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
