I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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