It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
