she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
