How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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