Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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