I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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