If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
