I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
