Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
