I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
