how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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