Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
