i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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