he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
