Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
