here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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