I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
