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STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
