Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
