When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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