You're so nebulous sometimes
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize