You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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