a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize