someone get that fucking seahorse.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
